I decided some years ago that I would not remarry -- and as far as sex goes, I find pleasure with sex workers. As I get older, however, I find that the simple sight of a naked woman willing to part her legs for my money does not cut it for me.

Like many men, I yearn for intimacy. In its absence, I would love to be made love to by a woman who truly knows how to please a man. Perhaps a good old-fashioned courtesan from days gone by in Japan, or a sophisticated Indian temptress skilled in the arts of Tantric sex? I do find Asian and exotic women the most physically appealing.

Money is not the issue, it's knowing where to look to find an escort who can satisfy me on a higher level than one can expect from traditional sources such as massage parlours and apartments converted to pseudo-boudoirs.

Most services or products that are illegal, misunderstood, poorly represented or socially unacceptable suffer a similar fate: quality is compromised because the majority of people involved feel they are taking enough risk just doing the work. A black market crops up and there are virtually no standards. Self-policing can be helpful, but it's uneven.

Seem familiar? That's because so many legal industries operate in seemingly standard-free networks, making their own rules, yet oddly, they don't suffer the same legal constraints from the outset. Even worse, large clothing manufacturers and chemical companies exploit the disadvantaged and thrive, while fear of exploitation is used to justify suppressing the sex trade. How is it we support companies that capitalize on cheap labour and sexualize emaciated teens while recklessly destroying the environment -- and we permit them to glorify their crappy wares on the sides of buses and everywhere else -- but we continue to keep prostitutes on the fringes? And why am I going on about all this political shit when all you want is some hot brown babe in an edible sari?

training of someone like Madame Sadayakko. They do so because there are 80 zillion guys out there who think that Asian chicks have magic pussies, and there are 80 zillion Asian chicks willing to play the pseudo-magic pussy game for some fast cash. These places would probably exist with or without decriminalization, as would the scourge of cheesy come-up-and-see-me-sometime boudoirs, but decriminalization might also bring about options for the more discriminating gentleman.

If you want specialized and legal sexual services in your community, write your MP and ask what she or he is doing about the decriminalization of sex work. Vote for people who publicly support the decriminalization of sex work (I know, ha ha). Email national sex worker organizations, such as Stella in Montreal (www.chezstella.org ), to see how you can get involved. Consumers need to speak up! In the meantime, you may consider looking into reputable dungeons. Patricia Marsh has one worth seeing (www.patriciamarsh.com ). Dominatrices often advertise more creative services, and the good ones possess truly impressive atmosphere. I'm sure Mistress Marsh could whip you together a Kama Sutra scene that would blow your fucking mind.

You want some pomp and circumstance, but no matter what kind of vaginal gymnastics a woman can do, she is still, be it metaphorically or physically, "parting her legs" for your money. The language you use implies such contempt: the same attitude, despite all the fascination heaped on them, that people had towards the geisha in Japan. Perhaps you ought to think about that, as well.

I am a 44-year-old woman, recently divorced after a 20-year marriage to someone who was quite abusive. He chipped away at my self-esteem, ogled women in front of me constantly and was an ugly drinker. Over the past month, I have begun looking into the possibility of dating again. I'm not completely out of it, nor am I worn down. Not that it's any great social gauge, but I have watched Sex and the City, have a great sexual imagination and my job puts me in contact with open and creative people, even though I'm more on the administrative end of things.

I need to confess my greatest fear: I don't want to be perceived as pathetic. Friends jokingly tell me I'm a "cougar," a term I don't readily embrace, and one that also seems to me kind of sexist (if it's still appropriate to be outraged about such discrepancies). I just want to be a woman out there, not seen as some desperate aging sex maniac trolling for young blood. Any suggestions?

You're goddamn right it's still appropriate to be outraged by such discrepancies, sister! I can't tell you how much mail I get from men begging for information about places to meet older women, based on the perception that they're desperate and compliant. And if that isn't insulting enough, so many expect to be applauded for moving beyond the narrow viability standards societal perceptions create, as though finding a woman who is sexually, intellectually and socially confident is a great and manly achievement. I totally support complicit intergenerational relationships, but this egotistical, ignorant attitude just gets my ass in a knot.

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