"The success of a polyamorous relationship is measured by whether it makes the people in it happy," Matisse says. "By that yardstick, Cake Boy, you're coming up zero. You're getting nookie from a woman you find boring while you recover from your divorce and look for better options. I don't call this polyamory. I call this opportunism."

Matisse has called you on your bullshit, TMSOC, and I'd like to call Mr. Poly Husband on his. Poly relationships simply don't work/aren't ethical if a primary partner feels abandoned. Healthy poly relationships require clear primary/secondary roles, with primary partners always coming first (so to speak), and any secondary attachments or partners coming in somewhere from a close to a distant second.

"You're painting it with a thin veneer of compassion, but come on, guy," says Matisse. "If you want to be a pal to a woman whose husband is temporarily insane with New Relationship Energy—and who's thus feeling abandoned—take her to the movies, don't take her to bed. Her husband may be sprung on someone else at the moment, but at least he's not dumping her for the shiny new thing, whereas you will."

Feigning friendship to get into someone's pants? Surely no straight man has ever stooped so low! Surely no woman—straight or queer, single or married—has ever had the moves put on her by a straight male friend! Surely!

I'm sorry you and your brother had bad experiences with fag friends, BSB, but it happens. And let's make an effort to keep it in perspective: Hitting on a friend is an asshole move that's been used and abused by gay men, straight men and the odd woman.

But not all gay men hit on their straight male friends. I have four very close straight male friends, BSB, and I've never hit on any of them. Why? Because I'm not generally attracted to straight boys, for starters, and not one of them is my type, for enders.

As far as my libido is concerned, my straight male friends might as well have vaginas. And when I meet a straight guy who is my type (hey there, Sal!), a friendship is out of the question. Together gay men don't want to be friends with men they find attractive for the same reason together straight men don't want to be friends with women they find attractive. Why torture yourself?

So my advice to straight boys seeking a gay wingman is this: If your prospective wingman only dates, say, muscular Asian dudes, and you're a muscular Asian dude, he's going to hit on you someday. But if your gay wingman only dates, say, hairy muscle daddies, and you're a skinny hairless rocker, your gay wingman is unlikely to ever hit on you.

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